I have been careless with so many things in my life. That is a statement I never wanted to write.

     I have amazing people in my life. I live with two of the most open, loving, supportive women I have had the opportunity to know. I have a quirky, loving, kind, beautiful family. I am surrounded by friends that bring tears to my eyes as I write this thinking of them. Friends that have walked through such hard times with me. Friends that have laughed with me. Friends that have said the kindest and hardest things to me.

     I am in awe of the women in my life. They are strong and beautiful. They are kind, which is no small thing in this world. Being with them is like taking a break from all the pressure and pain that lies beyond my front door. I can forget, at times, how rare and important it is to be surrounded by women who are encouraging, liberating, funny, selfless, fearless and who listen. Women who listen not just to what is said, but to what isn’t said. Who notice when things are heavy and gray. I am thankful for each one of them, whether they live in my house or live miles and miles away. I wish for them to know this.

     I am in equal awe of my male friends. They are kind and safe, which means a lot to me. It means so much because I have waded through times where those things didn’t exist. These friends, through their patience and generosity have helped heal so many bruised places in me. I can forget how blessed I am to be challenged, listened to, laughed with, laughed at, chastised and encouraged by them. I am grateful and I wish for them to know this.

     I started out by saying that I have been careless with things in my life. That is true. I have been made aware of it in a few different ways lately. I wish that wasn’t the case. I wish I could say I have never made any mistakes. But that is a silly wish. If I had never made any mistakes I wouldn’t have any real relationships. It has taken me a long time to get to the place where I understand that. The only people that don’t affect others are the people who live so deep inside themselves there is no one close enough to hurt but themselves. I don’t live there anymore. I burst from that cage and stormed into my own life years ago. I can’t go back. What I can do is own up to my mistakes. Make them right. What I can do is do better.

     I own up to taking friends for granted and I am sorry. I own up to not noticing when people need something from me, being caught up in my own problems and I am sorry. I own up to pushing people away when they notice I am in trouble because I don’t want to admit I need help and I am sorry. I own up to being all talk at times with no action and I am sorry. I own up to being careless with friendship and not knowing where boundaries lie and I am sorry. I own up to trying so hard to appear strong and happy that I miss out on being real and I am sorry.

     I know that list could be longer. That shames me. 

     To my friends and my family, thank you. Thank you for telling me when I have been wrong. Thank you for letting things go at times and forgiving me. I love each of you. I will do better.

Hal: Well, let’s say that since you were little, you always dreamed of getting a lion. And you wait, and you wait, and you wait, and you wait but the lion doesn’t come. And along comes a giraffe. You can be alone, or you can be with the giraffe.
Oliver: I’d wait for the lion.
Hal: That’s why I worry about you.

I’m becoming Real…

“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but Really loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get all loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

Excerpt from the Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams

Words for 2012

unfetter,

explore,

affection,

kindness,

fearless honesty,

forgive,

plan

…